The Clash of the Zeppos
by Eunoia
Summary: Everyone's two favourite regular guys have a chat. Crossover with BtVS.


Disclaimer: These characters are property of Mutant Enemy. This is for entertainment purposes only, not profit.  
  
A/N: I wrote this near the beginning of the fifth season of Angel, so Cordy and Fred are both alive and, in Fred's case, well.  
  
Gunn walked down the dark alley, hands in the pockets of his Armani suit. Man, he was just asking for a mugging, wasn't he? Whatever. Let them try. Having an office job was a nice change, but he was itching to hit somebody. As soon as he thought this, he regretted it, as he heard a high- pitched scream coming from around the corner. He quickly grabbed a stake out of his briefcase and upon realizing that he had just pulled a stake out of his briefcase, decided that sometimes he wanted to beat himself up. No time to think though, so he ran toward the sound.  
  
As he turned the corner, he knew what he expected to see: a damsel in distress, cowering in the corner, a vamp ready to take her out. What he didn't expect to see was a blond guy cowering in the corner, screaming hysterically, a vamp hovering over him, and another guy racing toward the pair with a young, stake-wielding woman in close pursuit. The man grabbed the vamp from behind and got a few good punches in before the vamp knocked him on his back. Before Gunn could run in and save the day, however, the girl had rammed the stake into the vamp's back, disintegrating him within seconds.  
  
By this time, the blond guy had gotten up, and was giving the other guy a hand. All of a sudden, they noticed him standing there and tensed, the girl tightening her grip on the stake.  
  
"Hey, I'm on your side here," Gunn said, facing the girl with his hands in the air. "And if you're what I think you are, I have no desire to mess with you."  
  
"What do you think she is?" the brunet guy asked, his face turning towards the light, giving Gunn the realization that he was wearing an eye patch.  
  
"A slayer, obviously. I mean, you're walking around a dangerous alley at night with a stake, saving people, and you don't like you work with anyone I know, so..."  
  
The girl looked very excited. "Oh my gosh, Xander, did you hear that? He thinks I'm a slayer!"  
  
Xander...the name sounded slightly familiar, but Gunn didn't think he'd ever met the guy before.  
  
"Okay, um, actually, she wasn't saving me," interjected the blond guy. "I totally could have handled it."  
  
"Just once, I wish someone would mistake me for a slayer," Xander muttered.  
  
They all gave him weird looks, with the exception of the blond guy, who looked dreamily into space.  
  
"Wait, so you're not a slayer?" Gunn asked, confused.  
  
"Nope, just a run-of-the-mill girl. Well, you know, sort of. Anyway, you're obviously not a slayer either, and you're running around with a stake in the aforementioned dangerous alley."  
  
"Yeah, it's just something I do. Sort of my night job."  
  
"I'm assuming it's your day job paying for the threads," said Xander.  
  
"No, I just only save rich people, that's all." They all laughed. "Actually, I'm a lawyer. The name's Charles Gunn." He offered his hand to Xander, who looked a little wary, but took it anyway.  
  
"Xander Harris."  
  
Damn. The full name seemed even more familiar.  
  
Xander continued, "And this is Andrew and Dawn."  
  
The trio stood, staring at Gunn, waiting for an explanation, of what, he wasn't sure.  
  
Andrew finally spoke up and said, "So, are you like a boy slayer? Because that would be wicked. Attorney by day, slayer by night."  
  
Confused, Gunn asked, "Wait, there are male slayers?"  
  
"No, that's just Andrew being Andrew," said Dawn. "I think what he means to say is why exactly is this your night job? I mean, most mere mortals aren't usually eager to risk their lives."  
  
"Aha! I knew it. You're not regular humans, are you? Why would you be willing to risk your lives, if you were only 'mere mortals'?"  
  
"Yes, we are. We just sort of fell into this line of work. You see, we know a slayer, and we're sort of part of her team. We help her out."  
  
"Wow, so all those new slayers are really working out then, already assembling teams."  
  
"Actually, she's not a new slayer."  
  
"Wait a sec, where did y'all say you were from?"  
  
"We didn't, but Sunnydale."  
  
"Aah, so you must be friends of Buffy's, right? I mean, Faith's not really known for her cooperation with others."  
  
"Yeah, neither was Buffy for awhile," muttered Dawn.  
  
"Hold on. You know Buffy?" asked Xander.  
  
"And Faith?" asked Andrew.  
  
"Only by reputation in Buffy's case. Faith—I've had the pleasure."  
  
"Man, she really gets around, doesn't she?" said Dawn.  
  
Gunn laughed. "Not that kind of pleasure, unfortunately. "Listen, I was just on my way to get a drink. Why don't y'all come along, and we can figure out what's going on."  
  
"Uh, I'm kind of underage," said Dawn.  
  
"It's no problem. They'll let you in; they just won't serve you booze."  
  
Dawn agreed, and the group walked the half block to the club. It was the kind of place Gunn couldn't have afforded before, but now he just walked right in.  
  
They sat down, each explaining how they came to be fighting evil. Andrew's story seemed a little vague in some parts, while overly detailed in others, but Gunn trusted Xander and Dawn, so he figured he could trust Andrew by association.  
  
When Gunn mentioned Angel, Xander looked none too pleased.  
  
"What? You got a problem with Angel?" Gunn asked defensively.  
  
"Don't get him started," groaned Dawn and Andrew, rolling their eyes.  
  
Gunn decided not to, remembering his own once less-than-fond feelings for Angel, and continued up to the part where they got the keys to Wolfram & Hart. He had gone into a little more detail than the other three had, because his story was so much cooler than just being a friend or sibling of the slayer. Or maybe they just didn't want to go into the details. Even he felt like he gave fewer details than he thought he should have; like he was forgetting something. He also didn't tell them about becoming Mr. Lawyer. It wasn't that he was ashamed of it, he told himself, just that they wouldn't understand.  
  
Xander must have noticed the gap in his story though, asking how he went from being in a street gang to being a lawyer during a span of only a few years.  
  
Gunn's only response was to trip the waiter walking by, sending martini glasses crashing to the floor. They all stooped to help clean up, amidst the waiter's apologies, and by the time the hubbub had died down, Gunn managed to change the subject.  
  
"So, what are your superpowers?" he asked. "I mean, you help the slayer so you must do something."  
  
"I summon demons," bragged Andrew. "Plus, I'm sort of the unofficial snack- man. I make a wicked lemon bunt cake."  
  
"And I'm research gal," said Dawn quickly. "I'm even learning to read Sumerian."  
  
Gunn was kind of impressed, although he couldn't see how summoning demons would help the good side.  
  
"What about you?" he inquired, looking at Xander.  
  
Xander smiled. "Would you believe I see things?" he asked, looking at Dawn, who smiled back.  
  
"Not really," Gunn replied, glancing at the eyepatch. "Oh, wait! You mean like visions?"  
  
"No, not like that. Anyway, the truth is I don't have any literal powers."  
  
"Oh," Gunn said, embarrassed. "Sorry. I didn't mean to—"  
  
"Don't be sorry. I'm not."  
  
"Well, listen man, I like you, and I don't like too many people, so I'm going to see if I can't do you a favour. See, I didn't become a lawyer the usual way." Gunn proceeded to explain the unusual circumstances to Xander, who only raised his eyebrows bemusedly. By this time, Dawn and Andrew had gotten up to dance, appearing to be elbowing each other out of the way to dance with the same guy.  
  
"So, what I'm thinking is, I could see if I could somehow arrange to give you a power of some kind. You know, not necessarily law, but something. Since you're not part of the firm there might be a little red tape, but nothing we can't get around. I mean, I'm pretty tight with the man at the top, so..."  
  
Xander then did something Gunn didn't expect. He started laughing. "First of all, you may be tight with the man at the top, but I most certainly am not."  
  
Gunn was about to interrupt to say he could handle Angel, but Xander put a hand up to shush him, then continued. "And second, I have no desire to enhance my mind with wacky mojo. Maybe a few years ago I would've. God knows Cordy would've wanted me to—"  
  
"Xander Harris! Now I know where I've heard the name! You're Cordy's Xander."  
  
Xander smiled. "It's been a long while since I've been called that, but I guess I was at some point. I'm surprised she mentioned me."  
  
"To be honest, it was more like bitching about you than mentioning you."  
  
"Can't say I blame her. I was such an idiot back in high school."  
  
"Yeah, who wasn't? Hey, you do know she's..."  
  
"Yeah, actually that's why I'm here in LA. Buffy and everyone are traveling around reforming the Watcher's Council, but I thought I needed some time off. Fred had told Willow about Cordy's coma, and I thought I'd come visit her. Dawn and Andrew just wanted a vacation, so they tagged along. They barely knew her, though. How is she, by the way?"  
  
"Good. Well, obviously not good, but you know. Actually, I haven't been to see her in awhile. We've all been so busy and..."  
  
"Hey, no need to explain yourself to me. I understand how being in the evil-fighting biz can get a bit overwhelming."  
  
Gunn could see in his eye that he really did, but it didn't make him feel any better. What kind of friend was he, anyway? He quickly changed the subject.  
  
"So, did you say you're not interested in an enhancement?" he asked incredulously. "Because it's just tapping untapped potential, not adding anything new."  
  
"I get that. It's just, if I want my potential tapped, I'll tap it myself. No artificial improvements."  
  
"Hey! What do you mean artificial? And I didn't do this because of low self-esteem or any of the Oprah, psychobabble bullshit reasons you seem to think I did," said Gunn, starting to get angry.  
  
"What I mean by artificial, is that if this was all inside of you , and if it's what you really wanted to do, why didn't you go to law school? And don't tell me Angel needed you, because something tells me you're not the only lawyer that firm's got. You were too scared to enter the race, so you just stole the trophy. And if that doesn't indicate low self-esteem then I don't know what does."  
  
Gunn was so angry he couldn't speak, so he just took a swig of beer, and then sat there until the anger transformed into its true form: a realization that this virtual stranger had just articulated every feeling he had been trying to repress since this whole thing started. Sadly, he turned to look at Xander, and said "But didn't you ever get tired of being the dumb one, the weak one, the nice guy who helped, but never very much? Didn't you hate being on the outskirts of all the action?"  
  
Xander stood up, put his hand on Gunn's shoulder and said softly, "I like the quiet," and with a smile, signaled for Dawn and Andrew, and left the building.  
  
Gunn sat staring at the wall, for what seemed like hours. Out of all the people he had been jealous of over the last few years, he had never felt it as strongly as he had tonight. And he finally realized that Xander had achieved what Fred had through science, Wesley through book smarts, and Angel through leadership and strength, just through himself. The look on his face as he left the bar would stay with Gunn forever. It was a look that spoke volumes, that showed contentment and acceptance as Gunn had never seen.  
  
But he would see it again someday. 


End file.
